...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
