I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
