Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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