dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
