I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
