literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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