she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
