my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
