im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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