Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
