I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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