Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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