mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
