well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
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