Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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