Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
