you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
