I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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