i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize