I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
