Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
