Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have demons in me.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
