The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
