How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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