Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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