thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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