dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you had me at cake vodka
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
