In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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