just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
