Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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