Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
