My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
