we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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