I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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