I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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