you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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