five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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