Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
