I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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