How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
