got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
