Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
