I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
do nipples grow back?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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