Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
