Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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