Just cropdusted the office
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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