I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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