so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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