Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
