I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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