I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
