KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
