please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
