You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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