I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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